Upstream of Consciousness wants to be a collection of interviews that only contain answers. I will provide 5 phrases, words, quotes, links, pictures, or videos (in italics) and your consciousness will provide the rest. Responses can be short or long, real or fictional, words, links, or anything in between. In return, each of my "subjects" will give me 1 item back which I will then respond to (under the heading Ripple, with a number next to it). Come, swim for a while.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008


Note: See Audrey's beautiful art, including the painting below in number 7, here. See the personal website she's doing with a friend here.

1. friendship

Friendship is something I seem to struggle continuously with. The longest I have ever lived in one place is 3 years, the shortest, about 6 months. Usually it's around a year or so. And we don't just move across town, we move to different states, different countries... So my friends always change. I'm disorganised and I used to lose all the phone numbers and addresses I collected. I have had to just forget about people so many times. With e-mails and instant messenger, it's easier, but I still lose details and things. My best friend lives in Australia and our friendship started with me kicking him in the nuts. Which is a great way to start anything, isn't it? I think that really set the tone for it, though. I have put him through a lot and he is incredibly accepting of almost everything I do. Moving around so much as a child and a teenager and never having that one group of friends who are for a while has made me really awkward and it's wonderful knowing that there is someone who knows me so well and still loves me for what I am.


That was kind of weird. What I got out of it was that the moth was the spirit of the bunny's dead husband. Or wife. I couldn't tell if it was a male or female. And they went and joined them in some form of afterlife. I'm not sure if I believe in an afterlife. I was big into Christianity at one point. When I was 12, I managed to sit in front of a poster that said 'GOD' and had a rainbow behind it, just thinking about God for well over an hour. I don't understand how anything in the world can convince a 12 year old do sit and think for such a long time. I believed in an afterlife then, of course. I'm not sure what I believed Heaven or Hell to be, but it wasn't glowing lights. Death is something I try not to dwell on. I remember having an existential crisis (but not actually knowing what one was) when I was about 9. I didn't sleep for weeks after. Right now, it's just something that happens that I don't want to think about. I want to 'live in the moment' and all that. When it happens, it happens. I cannot change that and I am okay with that. Yeah, it does scare me and yeah, there will always be more things I want to do... Sometimes I just need to take a deep breath and say to myself 'if it happens, it happens.' I can't see myself ever having a firm believe on what comes after.

3. NORAD Tracking Santa Claus With Google Maps

That's kind of lovely. That they put so much work in keeping that belief alive in children. I can't remember believing in Santa, but apparently I did. I remember one of my brothers becoming horribly upset when one of his friends told him that he didn't believe in Santa. When I was little, I can vaguely remember being told that the Santas we were meant to take photos with were actually costumed elves, because Santa couldn't be everywhere. I suppose that in a way, that is true, because the elves are Santa's helpers, right? And these people are kiiind of helping to keep Santa alive. Is this beginning to sound tacky? I am writing this at 1am on Christmas Day, so I think it's bound to happen. Haha.

4. body piercings

Body piercings are important to me. I, at the moment, have a navel piercing, a nose piercing, a lip piercing and several ear piercings. I have also pierced the ears of a few of my family members. Most of my piercings have come from quick decisions. I got my navel piercing because my mother asked if I wanted one and I said yes. An hour later, I had it. I had been talking about getting my lip piercing for a while before it, but never intended on going through with it until the appointment was actually booked. My piercings are a part of my appearance that I decided on. They aren't my nose or my eyes, the appearance of which I had no say in. I am not offended if someone else doesn't like them in the same way I am if someone doesn't like my face. I chose them, I love them. If someone else doesn't, fine. I still do. They aren't me trying to be an individual, so many other people have the same things. They are something I liked and wanted to add to myself. I feel like I look wrong without them. My mum says I look like a little girl without them.

5. journal

I have kept a journal since I was pretty young. It all started when I read an article on the fact that keeping a journal benefits your health. I feel a lot less stressed after I've written down the things buzzing around in my head. Sometimes it helps me sleep. When I am keeping a journal, I need to feel comfortable with it. With the book, that is. I can't write everything down in a book I don't trust. Sometimes I will write a bit in a book, realise it's the wrong book, rip out the journal pages and use it for drawing in. I give my journals away after I fill them up. I give them to people I love and people who I want to remember me. Sometimes it's a way of closing a chapter. If I've been somewhere a while and I know I'm leaving, I will give the journals to whoever has been through the most with me there. Normally I do it in groups, giving the lucky recipient 3 or 4 journals or notebooks or sketchbooks. Whatever I can use to show them that they made an impact on my life and, I guess, as a memento of that point in time.

6. “If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?” – Alice, Alice in Wonderland

Oh wow. My brain hurts!!! I think real life is like this, sometimes. Haha. There is always a different side to things and sometimes when you look at the two together, you have two different things. Even though it's one thing. And if you look close enough at most things, they tend to stop making sense pretty, eventually.


This is a painting I did for my mother... I usually only do half a face or a profile when I paint faces. This is out of laziness. And fear, actually. I am always scared I will get the other half wrong...Although faces aren't symmetrical anyway. I guess I am just not that confident about these things. This painting had brown paint water flicked at it so it has spots from that, which is sad. You can't see that in the photo because the photo was taken before it happened!
I like the background on this and I remember painting it and enjoying painting it. I love it when colours come out strong and thick and I love it when the edges of each stroke are clean and straight. I love painting. I love the idea that we can use images we've created ourselves to put across emotions and make people feel things that they might not have felt before. I don't really like watercolour paint, which is what that one is mostly done in, but for some reason, it's sometimes the only thing I have access to

8. “leave me alone”

Mr. Leave Me Alone is a username I use in two places on the internet. I don't like being left alone. Sometimes I do, we all need time alone sometimes. But there are few things I like more than having someone next to me to talk to or even just to know that they are there. I like people. I tend to be quite impolite towards other people, but I do like them. I like noise and I like looking at things and I like response. I tend to gravitate towards people who dress weirdly or have strange stories or things to say. Or both. I like to talk a lot and that would be boring if I were alone! When I start writing, I write a lot (as I may or may not have shown here) and when I find someone I like talking to, I send them long messages. Sometimes I call them. I try my very best to keep them in my life.
I don't really want to be left alone.


Ohhhhhh boy. What is the world coming to, where people wish to smell like fast food? Each to their own, I suppose. Maybe it's like when it was found out that some people found the (hopefully faint) smell of sweat more attractive than perfume or deodorant? Maybe some people find burgers even MORE attractive than that.
But then, hopefully not.
Hopefully it's all about the novelty value.

10. “it’s so polite, it’s so polite, it’s offensive, it’s offensive, it’s so unright, it’s so unright, it’s a technical accept it” – “Leeds United”, Amanda Palmer

I don't have anything to say about those exact lyrics, but rather the full song. I hold that song pretty close to my heart. I got to be in the music video and that was a truly wonderful experience. I accidentally turned up in an 'Alice In Wonderland' costume. A blue dress and a black headband, basically. And I had long blonde hair. It was a lovely accident. I didn't realise it looked like an 'Alice' thing until someone else pointed it out. I have heard 'Leeds United' countless times and I never get tired of it. When I listen to it, I want to jump around and dance. I don't...But I want to. Amanda came to London to film this video and she invited us, the lucky fans, to play soccer with her. And be in her music video. I met wonderful people on both occasions. I have new friends. I am about 10 times happier than I was before any of these things happened. I feel like I am a part of something.

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About Me

I am interested in the human condition.