Upstream of Consciousness wants to be a collection of interviews that only contain answers. I will provide 5 phrases, words, quotes, links, pictures, or videos (in italics) and your consciousness will provide the rest. Responses can be short or long, real or fictional, words, links, or anything in between. In return, each of my "subjects" will give me 1 item back which I will then respond to (under the heading Ripple, with a number next to it). Come, swim for a while.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008


Note: Kovacs' photography can be found here: Go check it out!

1) photography

Release, guilt, frustration, passion, peace, zen, trepedation, work. Taking pictures takes the turmoil in my life and exemplifies it. I adore the act of taking a shot, looking at it, and feeling like you captured a moment, something unique, that you added to the art of the situation. I hate carrying around a camera, being noticed because of it, and taking pictures of people that don't want them taken. Being in front of the lens makes me extremely uncomfortable.

The best part of photography for me is going through the shots, finding what I like, and finishing them up. That's when it's all worth it, when I feel like what I did had value further than just the act of creation.

Release - It's something to do and think about, it keeps me busy.
Guilt - I still feel like part of it is work, and put off doing it because of this. I want to be drawn to it all the time, but it doesn't work that way. And I feel like I should be learning more about it, to increase what I can do, and make things easier.
Frustration - Knowing that there is so, so much more I could be doing if my drive was focused on it. Knowing that 90% of the shot is getting out and grabing it. Feeling the drive ebb and flow when I just want it to be constant.
Passion - There are moments where it possesses me, and I let it.
Peace - I can look up after capturing a shot and feel like I accomplished something. This doesn't happen with very many of the pictures I take, yet.
Zen - In Yellowstone, and during shows, I think about nothing but the photography. It's nothing-space.
Trepedation - Due to not being schooled, and having to carry the camera around like some sort of trophy, I get very cautious.
Work - Some of it does feel like work. And that sucks. But I suppose not very many things are all play, regardless of how you feel about them.

2) “Happiness is a how; not a what. A talent, not an object.” – Herman Hesse

Hesse was troubled. But correct by all accounts. He states the complexity better than I ever could. Wanting a certain thing to make you happy, never works, for long. That's why goals are so important...they aren't always a specific thing, but a state of being. You don't want the camera, you want the skills and body of work, the mindset...and the camera.

However, he does make it seem like you can make yourself happy (a talent, a how) which I disagree with. Life goes up and down, to make yourself happy all the time is futile. I'd argue for an appreciation of sadness, in equal amounts. I wouldn't call it a talent, I'd call it an...outlook? Phase? Mindset? Something that you can create, but can be fleeting at any given moment. A muse?


Right now all that means to me is four years wasted. I'm going through withdrawal and don't want to talk about it. The thought of where my life would be without that game existing...well that not only ignores my own personal responsibility towards it, making me frustrated, but presents a potentially drastic difference in where I am in life currently, which eats at me.

I feel like I have a long way to go in coming to terms with those years and moving forward.

...Blood Elves are pretty prissy though. Roll a female, they're hawt.

4) chicken recipe

All of these seem to pertain to me in one sense or another, and I have no idea how this one does. I'm pretty sure I've forgotten, which is embarrassing. I tend to lie when this happens in person, though it used to happen a lot more during my drinking days.

When I was a kid, we had chicken 4-5 times a week. It's cheap, and can be made in so many different ways. I have a distinct memory of my mom showing up at the local pool and showing me her new cookbook, 101 ways to cook chicken. In the pool, I at first mock played dead because I was certain it said "children". I think I then proceeded to brood on chicken always being a part of my life, and what I can do to change that. In a fun way though.

I'm constructed of chicken.

...needless to say, I don't eat it much anymore.

5) Sara Quin

Oh, Sara. Though my feelings towards that band was complicated in general, as of now the feeling is pure and clean, which I like. It took me a while to get to that point.

To expound upon that, briefly, because it's fucking embarrassing. Hearing the Con sent me into a 4-day depression. Lame, right? I wish I could chose what moves me. Some of the songs on there are heart-breaking, and somehow compounded into forcing me to take a look at my relationship actions/goals (i.e. none, see number 3). That along with career/life goals (I needed to have more art in my life, and socially am hanging out with the wrong people, all drawn from that album and band) created huge turmoil. I guess I'm grateful, but I truely feel like I havent been myself since. I know, deep down, that the album was a catylyst, and this wouldve happened sooner or later. And that it's what needed to happen, and that it's always changing month to month, leading towards something. But its still embarrassing. Fucking let me be moved by poetry, it's more respectable.

Sara Quin is awesome, for a few distinct reasons. She's hilarious. She's adorable. She reads a fuckton of books, which by default makes her a beautiful blogger/writer when she wants to be. And she's progressing musically. Like right now. At this second. The difference between her songs on If it Was You versus the Con is insane. Tegan's are the same album to album. Sara's are changing, and I can't wait to see what she comes up with next. Her career, like Amanda Palmers, I will probably follow until I'm 50. When you develop an affection for the artist as well as the art, loyalty sets in, and for me, it's solid.

Plus, she's one of the few rock stars that I feel like I could actually hang out with, after getting over the shock, and don't feel like I'd be at all creepy. Most of the artists I have rock-crushes on, I know that I would never actually interact with very well in person. She's different, and would be a great friend. Or wingwoman.

6) “Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” – Neil Gaiman

Perfection. And with me believing every word he says, truthfully, totally, completely...all I want to do is get love over with. Fall for someone totally, focus on that, and don't let it hurt me ever again. Shelter.

7) dance party

If I'm dancing, and I'm sober, I am truely at one with the universe. The act of dancing almost has nothing to do with it. It's the release of saying "I really, honestly, could give a fuck what everyone thinks" and believing it. Because you can't dance and have a good time unless you do, fact.

I can think of one time when this happened, at least recently. But I can't wait for it to happen again.

And in terms of drunken dancing, the first thing that came to mind was the stripper pole we used to have installed in our house, and an impromtu dance party to foreigner at 4 am, in complete blackness. Documented by photography, meaning nothing but dark until the flashes went off. Another memory is the numerous dance parties held at the karaokee bar, now burnt down. These things have their merits. But more as a way of canceling out regrets later on in life. I'll never be able to say I didn't party like a rock star, thats for sure.

8. to engineer

To want to know how everything works. And to get pleasure in figuring it out. To a certain extent, for me, an adoration of pushing buttons. It does not mean that I'm smarter than you though, world, so stop being a fucking dick and assuming as such when I tell you what I do. Honestly, don't make me immediately self-depreciate to put us on the same percieved level. Just realize exactly how many different kinds of intelligence there are, and you're ranking one far too high.

9) Proposition 8

I found out about most of the issue through TnS, and love that fact that it inspired me. It's not my fight, and I know this, so I keep my distance to a certain extent. But it's such a clear cut violation of human rights, it's easy to get behind. I don't take one side, ever, I see both sides, constantly. Not here, and that's how you know it's fucking wrong, world. If you want my opinion, which you do.

Yeah, lets oppress love, because we find a certain lifestyle icky. Good plan.

If it continues to face opposition in other areas (such as the courts), I'll contribute more to fighting it. As of now I'm happy to have been a small part, and gotten into the conversations I've gotten into.


Claiming ignorance is funny. No one can truely, effectively, completely claim that you're lying. But his other kid is named "Aryan Nation". I mean. He's surprised at the uproar? He's like some sort of highly repressed racist. Or the definition of extrordinarily passive-aggressive. Like he's going to donate to a temple then name his next kid Sean Kill All Jews.

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About Me

I am interested in the human condition.